This is a dazzling post (as usual) —cascading levels of insight upon insight. Yes: self-help books are often crude and sometimes life-saving. (Case in point: Alcoholics Anonymous.) This is what I appreciate most about your writing: your willingness to dance on the edge of paradox. Thought experiment: Substitute "self-help" for "self-care" and see what you get. Many blessings to you!
Take Janet: Janet wants to lose weight. Janet probably could if: (a) her husband Steve wasn't also fat, or at least he wanted to lose weight with her; (b) she recognized that her job and/or kids exhausted her, but had a growth mindset and realized she probably had some habits or ways of responding contributing to that exhaustion and she could change that; (c) she made more money, thus opening more options toward eating conveniently that wasn't total garbage; (d) etc.
We're all imperfect introspecters. So, when someone says that either they, or people in general, can't change, I just think: BS... we're just really bad at understanding ourselves. We don't properly *try*; almost nobody really *tries*. The weight loss one is particularly maddening and intriguing. With the right personal resources, it should be a piece of cake, just eat a *little* less, eat more regularly, do that for a long time; yet we know it's not, and one must wonder: why? And this applies too to other self-improvement endeavors: why can't a father lashing out at his kids just stop? Again, due to many complex reasons--but that doesn't make them intractable. For example, one I've seen and done myself is stubbornness--and if we're ashamed of some behavior, defensive mechanisms kick in to change our perception so we don't believe we're doing something wrong.
I will never accept "people can't change"; I will only accept "people are complicated".
Yes, this all rings so true! Weirdly enough I've been thinking A LOT about many of the same things (individualism vs collectivism, etc.. and my personal love of self-help and wanting to empower others. I think empowering others to find their own strength is the key to making the world better honestly.
And only because you mentioned him early on, I will admit that I actually am a huge fan of Jordan Peterson and think his books are great. I heard so many "bad" things about him that I never took the time to listen/take him seriously. Once I did, I realized so much of what he said resonated with me, felt true, and was actually incredibly compassionate. Not to say I agree with 100% of everything he's ever said/written but he really makes me think about all the ins and outs of the issues and human nature. And he talks about the need for beauty, and for community/structures and how being a good person contributes to that. So it's not overly individualistic to the point that it breaks down.
I think individualism actually provides FOR the ability to be interdependent.
I have a lot of thoughts on this, but anyway, thanks for the article! Glad I subscribed !
Once again you've blown my mind, Ava. Your ability to express these big ideas in such a clear and beautiful way. Also plain and poetic: "I was unhappy and now I am happy, and when something like that happens to you, you will spend the rest of your life screaming it from the rooftops." I've been so pained by these human-condition contradictions recently, and this email was a timely and welcome reminder that I'm not alone. Thank you <3
Thanks for writing this. At the risk of being that male person who must add something to your post, I want to point to a podcast by Naval Ravikant in which he has discussion with his guru/coach - Kapil Sharma. Kapil Sharma mentions about this thing that many people are looking for prescriptions in their life. They think that some one, some book will tell me exactly what to do, and if they follow it, they will get to wherever they want to be. I feel like the self-help authors (the aggressive ones mostly) feed on that need. But it is the consumers who must understand that among the 300 pages the authors are shouting out are hidden 600 other pages which they may have themselves forgotten or are just too mundane/difficult to guide someone with. The point I am trying to make is, yes everything is of course within us - I do agree with that, but the self help books are in my opinion (humble) guidelines for deeper retrospectives within yourself. But no-one should magically believe that they will read that book and magic will happen. I know how difficult and frustrating it is to read all those powrful things people have done with their lives and feeling like, where do I even start?
I love your writing. And I’d be really interested in learning more about your writing process for the essays you write. Do you just write one at a time, or are you at any moment concurrently working on several essays? Do you have any friends review your essays before you hit the publish button? How does twitter fit into your essay-writing process? Thanks again for the always thoughtful and attractively written posts..
This is a dazzling post (as usual) —cascading levels of insight upon insight. Yes: self-help books are often crude and sometimes life-saving. (Case in point: Alcoholics Anonymous.) This is what I appreciate most about your writing: your willingness to dance on the edge of paradox. Thought experiment: Substitute "self-help" for "self-care" and see what you get. Many blessings to you!
Take Janet: Janet wants to lose weight. Janet probably could if: (a) her husband Steve wasn't also fat, or at least he wanted to lose weight with her; (b) she recognized that her job and/or kids exhausted her, but had a growth mindset and realized she probably had some habits or ways of responding contributing to that exhaustion and she could change that; (c) she made more money, thus opening more options toward eating conveniently that wasn't total garbage; (d) etc.
We're all imperfect introspecters. So, when someone says that either they, or people in general, can't change, I just think: BS... we're just really bad at understanding ourselves. We don't properly *try*; almost nobody really *tries*. The weight loss one is particularly maddening and intriguing. With the right personal resources, it should be a piece of cake, just eat a *little* less, eat more regularly, do that for a long time; yet we know it's not, and one must wonder: why? And this applies too to other self-improvement endeavors: why can't a father lashing out at his kids just stop? Again, due to many complex reasons--but that doesn't make them intractable. For example, one I've seen and done myself is stubbornness--and if we're ashamed of some behavior, defensive mechanisms kick in to change our perception so we don't believe we're doing something wrong.
I will never accept "people can't change"; I will only accept "people are complicated".
Would love for a playlist of your fave self-help books. I’m sure there is a huge range but what are the ones that stuck with you?
Yes, this all rings so true! Weirdly enough I've been thinking A LOT about many of the same things (individualism vs collectivism, etc.. and my personal love of self-help and wanting to empower others. I think empowering others to find their own strength is the key to making the world better honestly.
And only because you mentioned him early on, I will admit that I actually am a huge fan of Jordan Peterson and think his books are great. I heard so many "bad" things about him that I never took the time to listen/take him seriously. Once I did, I realized so much of what he said resonated with me, felt true, and was actually incredibly compassionate. Not to say I agree with 100% of everything he's ever said/written but he really makes me think about all the ins and outs of the issues and human nature. And he talks about the need for beauty, and for community/structures and how being a good person contributes to that. So it's not overly individualistic to the point that it breaks down.
I think individualism actually provides FOR the ability to be interdependent.
I have a lot of thoughts on this, but anyway, thanks for the article! Glad I subscribed !
Reading your substack is self help for me.
Your work is so wonderful, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. As a young woman, your perspective helps me see things differently.
Once again you've blown my mind, Ava. Your ability to express these big ideas in such a clear and beautiful way. Also plain and poetic: "I was unhappy and now I am happy, and when something like that happens to you, you will spend the rest of your life screaming it from the rooftops." I've been so pained by these human-condition contradictions recently, and this email was a timely and welcome reminder that I'm not alone. Thank you <3
Thanks for writing this. At the risk of being that male person who must add something to your post, I want to point to a podcast by Naval Ravikant in which he has discussion with his guru/coach - Kapil Sharma. Kapil Sharma mentions about this thing that many people are looking for prescriptions in their life. They think that some one, some book will tell me exactly what to do, and if they follow it, they will get to wherever they want to be. I feel like the self-help authors (the aggressive ones mostly) feed on that need. But it is the consumers who must understand that among the 300 pages the authors are shouting out are hidden 600 other pages which they may have themselves forgotten or are just too mundane/difficult to guide someone with. The point I am trying to make is, yes everything is of course within us - I do agree with that, but the self help books are in my opinion (humble) guidelines for deeper retrospectives within yourself. But no-one should magically believe that they will read that book and magic will happen. I know how difficult and frustrating it is to read all those powrful things people have done with their lives and feeling like, where do I even start?
I love your writing. And I’d be really interested in learning more about your writing process for the essays you write. Do you just write one at a time, or are you at any moment concurrently working on several essays? Do you have any friends review your essays before you hit the publish button? How does twitter fit into your essay-writing process? Thanks again for the always thoughtful and attractively written posts..