“So why wouldn’t I want to date them? Answer: because you can’t really talk to them, dumbass.”
Loved the article - this quote in particular is adjacent to the struggle to go from seeing the other person as an idealized concept (or even object) to seeing them as a human and partner.
The way you cut through the fluff to the fundamental emotional truth is uncanny. Feels harder than ever to “know” and honor what one wants. It’s like lack of confidence prevents us from being in tune with and sticking by our emotions. Doubt. You aren’t sure if you like someone enough to be serious. Is it my emotions that want to move on or is it my dysfunctional habit of over thinking? Which one do I trust? Another manifestation of the lack self-awareness as you mentioned. Thanks for the great thought fodder
"For ex, PUA advice will say, women like dominant men, so you should frame all your conversations with them in this particular way"
There are some useful points here, but the essay ignores the asymmetry between men and women, e.g. that the average man finds the average woman attractive but not vice versa, per OKCupid data (from back when OKCupid wasn't owned by Match).
I would be interested to hear your thoughts on step 1 of the dating cycle: "meet someone on Raya/Hinge or serendipitously at a party" I feel like - particularly in SF - this can be a difficult/painful process all on its own? Am I telling on myself here? 😅
"we’re not taught how to ask hard questions of both ourselves and others", wonderful post.
“So why wouldn’t I want to date them? Answer: because you can’t really talk to them, dumbass.”
Loved the article - this quote in particular is adjacent to the struggle to go from seeing the other person as an idealized concept (or even object) to seeing them as a human and partner.
A thousand times yes.
this resonated with me so so much. thank you, wow.
The way you cut through the fluff to the fundamental emotional truth is uncanny. Feels harder than ever to “know” and honor what one wants. It’s like lack of confidence prevents us from being in tune with and sticking by our emotions. Doubt. You aren’t sure if you like someone enough to be serious. Is it my emotions that want to move on or is it my dysfunctional habit of over thinking? Which one do I trust? Another manifestation of the lack self-awareness as you mentioned. Thanks for the great thought fodder
this is by far the best most real piece on dating i've ever read.
"For ex, PUA advice will say, women like dominant men, so you should frame all your conversations with them in this particular way"
There are some useful points here, but the essay ignores the asymmetry between men and women, e.g. that the average man finds the average woman attractive but not vice versa, per OKCupid data (from back when OKCupid wasn't owned by Match).
PUA works for sane guys who deliberately practice it (which most guys don't, https://theredquest.wordpress.com/2021/06/30/most-guys-dont-care-much-about-getting-laid-i-hypothesize/). Good PUA looks like a guy maxing his attractiveness and having good social skills. If you think it's PUA, it's likely being done poorly in an uncalibrated way.
really resonated with this, thanks for writing and sharing
Really love this!
I would be interested to hear your thoughts on step 1 of the dating cycle: "meet someone on Raya/Hinge or serendipitously at a party" I feel like - particularly in SF - this can be a difficult/painful process all on its own? Am I telling on myself here? 😅
Woweeeeeee thank you for this it is helping me process some big stuff right now. Incredible post.