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On being afraid of certainty... don't you think our entire generation is scared of certainty, because the endless flow of information gives us the idea that we have infinite possibilities, and we want to always be available for them? Like, even when we have a good thing going, there will always be something better. Or at least we'll think there is

When it comes to relationships, what is you said is what I learned through marriage and divorce. You will most likely second guess yourself in the first year or so, but there will be a click moment in which it just feels right. Or it doesn't

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Lots of insight here, as usual. The distinction between *hard* and *wrong*: Yes! Overthinking is a warning sign: Yes! Expecting a real relationship to make you feel good all the time...that stopped me. I take refuge in the core insights of Rational Emotional Behavior Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: No one *makes* me feel anything. Don't expect to feel good most of the time. And don't ask anyone to take responsibility for the way you feel. Sounds hard, but it lightens the load considerably.

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Dec 30, 2021·edited Dec 30, 2021

This essay sounded like me before I knew I had OCD with a relationship theme. Certainty doesn’t exist and no relationship feels good all the time. Leaving because you don’t feel certainty is not always the answer, and for some is a symptom of pathological doubt. If you’re constantly second-guessing your relationships and have other obsessional tendencies, you may want to consult with a therapist who specializes in OCD. Just offering another perspective.

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"I think that on some level I’ve always chosen ambivalence because I’m afraid of certainty."

Right through the heart.

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Your idea of ' you will probably feel confident in the day to day feelings ' about a relationship has resonated profoundly with me . Your substacks and Haley Nahman's substacks about a similar idea (relationship CONFIDENCE not relationship CERTAINTY) have really guided me through my own complex feelings regarding this topic . Thank you for documenting your process of finding clarity - I can say that with the help of your and other substack writers posts I have found confidence , direction and a language for my feelings that I did not have before!

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i agree to a certain extent but i also believe that if you grew up with abusive caregivers or unsafe environments, that might be what you're used to, so healthy relationships might actually feel weird and foreign. so they don't feel right. at least that's what happened to me.

it can be hard to distinguish between what's actually healthy vs. unhealthy.

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"the most valuable skill in the world: knowing yourself and knowing your needs. Some people are just preternaturally gifted at it. They make the right choices. "

I don't think it's just a case of being gifted, I think it's a developed skill. The people I know who are really good at this have also worked hard to develop it. Not to control it, exactly - that's an example of the mistake of tyranny that you rightly point out. But helping the skill grow in strength is something we can do.

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I find this so resonant and true (as always with your writing). The one part I struggle with (maybe overthinking, oops) is how this all stands up on a long time scale.

After x number of years, it seems decidedly rare that someone would say their relationship makes them feel good all the time, even if it started that way. People like that exist but I don’t think they’re very common.

It seems like this almost inescapable and bedeviling aspect of life as I myself and most people I know get older and older. Knowing yourself better than ever but knowing how to act on that knowledge less and less.

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